… to bring you a middle-of-the-day, out-of-band post. Mostly because I need to put these words SOMEWHERE.
Nervous. So, so nervous.
Of course, I’ve been spouting here since this blog has come into being about how I’m not out to my parents, but that the dissonance this caused needed to be remedied. And soon.
And then I kept saying that same thing, over and over, but not actually doing anything about it.
Much like my personality — which sees things as very black or white, on or off — all of a sudden, last night as I was laying in bed watching TV, I decided that I was going to tell my parents the next day. Booya. Decision.
Just like that. And then my heart was beating so hard that I thought it was going to burst right through my chest. Which, by the way, would have made me very unhappy.
This is pretty typical of me. For example, back in the old days of dating boys, I would know for awhile that I wasn’t happy, that the relationship had come to an end. But, I’d prolong it, mostly because I really hate confrontation and I didn’t want to hurt someone. And then it would hit me: I need to do this NOW. It’s like my tolerance hit some sort of threshold and I was done. Just… done.
And that’s kind of how this feels. Almost like, “I’m 40 now, it’s time to stop being so scared of showing who I am”.
If my parents can’t accept me for who I am, well… I’ll figure that part out later. What I need to keep in mind, is that whether or not they accept me, it’s all on them. Their decision. Their prerogative to react however they see fit. And they own those feelings and those feelings don’t reflect on the person I am, either. Even if they think I’m evil incarnate or have gone beyond just disappointing them into the realm of them wanting nothing to do with me (neither of which, mind you, I think will happen), that’s just their opinion.
In my head, I run through all the possible outcomes. I’ve acted out this scene so many times, with so many different endings, that at this point I have no idea what reality might turn out like.
I worry about so many things: that they won’t allow me to be myself, that they won’t want to have anything to do with me, that they’ll try to fix me, that they’ll be completely disappointed in me.
Mostly, that things will never be the same ever again.
But what I need to remember is that the way things are RIGHT NOW isn’t good. Yes, it keeps the peace. Sure, it’s comfortable. But, it’s not GOOD. At least, not for me.
And at some point, I have to put my worry for what other people will think and how this will affect my family aside and make myself the priority.
And that point is tonight.
At least that’s the plan. Oh yea. And happy 40th birthday.