Not so funny

It was meant as a joke, I know that.  I use humor and sarcasm with the best of them.  But, whether I’m over-reacting or not, this hurt.

I’m trying to plan a trip to Vegas.  With everything that’s been going on coupled with me not having had a proper vacation in awhile, I thought it’d be fun to get away for a quick weekend.  I’ve got tax refund money to spend, and where better than Vegas, right?

And now, I don’t ask a lot from my friends on a regular basis — I’m a supporter, a giver, the one who provides rather than asks for help (we won’t debate how healthy of me that is right now) — but this time, I needed something.  Rather, someone.  I wanted a travel partner.  I don’t mind going places on my own — and in fact, sometimes I prefer it that way — but this time I wanted company.  They didn’t need to be joined at the hip with me or anything, but someone there to have dinner with, to sit at a blackjack table with occasionally.  You know, things like that.

Now, I realize that because a lot of my friends are married (and some have kids), that they don’t have the flexibility in their scheduling that I do.  Or, even, the flexibility in their finances that I do.  But – regardless of that –  I put out an S.O.S. to my closest friends, entreating at least one of them to find the time to come with me, and that I’d even pick up a good chunk of the price tag (my “fun” thing to do with some of my tax refund).

And even still, I got a bunch of rejections.  A lot of “I’d LOVE to, but…” with some sort of excuse. This hurt, but I guess I expected it.  There was one email, though – probably something scrawled in a minute between meetings or without even thinking – that really caught me off guard:  “If I start vacationing with you, people are going to start thinking I’m gay, that we’re an item or something…  Wouldn’t want that!”

I don’t know why this struck me wrong.  Struck me as hurtful.  I understand that she meant it as a joke, as something funny to say.  She even followed it up with the universal email sign for “I’m kidding”….   the sideways smiley :).

Maybe I’m hormonal (okay, no “maybe” there), perhaps it’s the lack of sleep this past night.  Or maybe I’m just being a little thin-skinned.  This is one of my closest friends.  One of my first straight friends that I came out to, in fact. She’s always been supportive, though always a little, I dunno, quiet about it, if you know what I mean.  Like she understands that this is simply the way things are, that I’m not a threat to her and she wouldn’t want to change me, but that there’s still the smallest piece of her that’s uncomfortable with the reality of me being gay.

I need to talk about this to her — but not over email.  Not where things can get misconstrued even more.  Tell her how her comment, however meaningless to her, made me feel.

And yet, I feel like I’m making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be.  I’ve almost got the sense that I’ve lost perspective on this a little bit.

What I want to know is this:  when does this all get easier?


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