The other night, I was doing my usual Sunday night bowling thing, and because I was nursing a bad burn on my finger, decided that a frosty glass of beer would be medicinal: not only could I cool my finger, but the alcohol coursing through my system would make the pain less excruciating. A win-win!
That one glass of beer turned into 2 pitchers of beer shared between just two of us. Now, I’m not a drinker these days. Versions of my younger self were from time to time, but even then, it’s just not something I was ever big into. And now that even just one drink messes with my sleep patterns and makes the next day not-so-fun? Yea, I hardly ever indulge. So – I’m not sure what happened, but the beer was cold and good, went down easy and it ended up with one of those perfect buzzes.
You know – one of those buzzes where you’re in that warm, fuzzy place of happy but not yet passed out. And I was the life of the party! Story after story, joke after joke after smart ass comment. I kept everyone entertained. And my friends agreed: they much preferred me drunk to sober. That on my own, I was a little uptight and type A, but that with a few drinks in me? Put a lampshade on me and call me crazy!
When I thought about it later, it was a little disheartening. I mean, who wants to walk through life happy on alcohol just to be more appealing to people? And it was in this frame of mind that I was telling another friend — my trainer — about it. She laughed a little, and told me that she always thought me to be “serious”. Really? “Serious”? Seriously?
I would never have chosen that word to describe me. Shy – maybe. Quiet? In some circumstances. But serious?
She amended herself quickly: “but you’re fun, too!” as if that dichotomy exists in real life. Kind of like a politician promising you everything you ever wanted AND was being truthful, all at the same time. Not gonna happen.
And so I spent the rest of the day thinking on this. And don’t think the irony was lost on me: really, only serious people would spend so much time contemplating the fact that someone called them serious. Right?
I can see what everyone is saying about me, even though I hate to admit it. And I don’t think I’ve always been like this, either. In the past year and half(ish), since coming out, I’ve been struggling with trying to kind of nail down my new identity and that’s made me introspective. Apparently I’ve been too busy having conversations with the voices in my head to remember to be fun on the outside where other people can see it.
So perhaps this is the kick in the pants that I need. I’ll be less serious! Starting… NOW! Um, uh, wait… er, maybe after work. Or this weekend, definitely.
No – seriously! (heh) I can do this. I know that while it might be difficult for some to imagine, I have been fun in the past (without the help of alcohol or drugs!) and can be again. I’ll try forging ahead with this whole gay thing, perhaps. Maybe hit up online dating again. Or go to some bars (whoops… that would mean alcohol would be involved…). Or SOMETHING. A change of attitude. More lightness. More jokes. Less analyzing and contemplating. Fewer conversations with imaginary people.
Sounds like fun, right?