Missed it

Today, I missed out on an opportunity.

For those keeping score in the Who Has Laura Come Out To game, my parents know and my sister knows.  Leaving one more immediate family member to be let in on the not-so-secret secret — my brother.

Now, in some ways it’s sweet justice that he’s the last to know.  After all, growing up he always got to do everything first, being the oldest.  And you can bet your booty that he never passed up a chance to let me and my sister know that, either.

Of course, now that we’re all older and more mature (well, older at least), we all get along pretty well.  Not too much terrorizing going on, which is much appreciated by both me and my sister.  And when there is terrorizing going on, at least I’m now better equipped to handle it (my sister hasn’t quite learned this fine art yet).

So, today I got roped into helping my brother move what turned out to be very heavy furniture.  His wife’s three — count ’em THREE — brothers couldn’t find the time, so I was next in line, you know, because I was strong.  For a girl, that is (no, a girl can’t just be “strong” … it needs the “for a girl” qualifier… don’t get me started…).  Anyway.

This created kind of a rare situation – hours of alone-time with my brother. Something I’ve been kind of waiting on so I could talk to him, since usually when I see him we’re surrounded by gobs of other people.

And frankly, I”m not a bit concerned about how he’s going to take it.  I’m pretty sure he won’t think it’s a big deal — if he’s even surprised by the news — but even if he had some objection, I’d be able to live with it.  I love my brother and can’t lie that his disapproval wouldn’t hurt, but honestly?  I don’t see or talk to him enough for this to be an impact on my day-to-day life.

Today was the perfect opportunity.  Plenty of alone time.  Even a couple moments of silence to fill (though not many – he’s the Chatty Cathy type). But did I bring it up?  Nope.  Stayed quiet.  Mute.  And so this is still hanging over me and it didn’t need to be.

I’m not sure what happened.  Why did I chicken out?  It’s funny — of all my immediate family members, he’s the one that’s figured out how to communicate the best.  Out of a family of passive-aggressive, never talking about how we feel folks, you can count on him to bring stuff up.  Perhaps I was afraid because I knew that unlike my parents and sister, that there would be actual questions and conversation about it?

I still don’t know.  All I know is that I now still have to tell him so that I can really be out.  Perhaps the next time he asks me to help him move heavy stuff.  And then maybe I can move some of my own heavy stuff.


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