Okay, okay… I know. I’ve been markedly absent from this space again.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve got so much going on in my head that I don’t even know how to begin sorting it out in a way that might make sense to other people.
Between an overall dissatisfaction with where my life is at right now and a very specific situation that I have going on with a friend of mine, I feel like I’ve spent my time talking at myself. Arguing, discussing, debating pros and cons … and all with the handful of in-my-head voices that enjoy playfully tormenting me this way.
I do a lot of what I call “pre-living”. You know, I take situations that are going to occur in the future and then spool out the what-if scenarios, ad nausea, until I feel like I’ve covered every possible outcome of an event or conversation that I know I’ll be having.
Of course, I NEVER get it right. Truly – never.
Just happened the other day: spent hours upon sleepless hours spawning dozens (if not hundreds) of ways that a particular conversation was going to go. I was nervous about it – I was going to be confronting a friend (and confrontation? yea, not my strong suit…). And not even 2 sentences into the conversation, it took a turn that I had never even contemplated. Left me almost speechless. Actually, it left me EXACTLY speechless. The conversation didn’t really happen because I hadn’t anticipated the turn it took.
So. All these situations, played out in my head, none of them right. At least I should know what NOT to expect, I suppose.
And I can’t adequately express how much mental energy this has drained from me. I don’t sleep well because my mind won’t stop. And my waking hours are spent day-dreaming, too. And I’m just tired. Of it all.
And where has this brought me? I think I’m going to get help. Finally. I found a therapist right in my hometown and I need an outside voice to bring some peace to the inside voices that haven’t shut up recently.
A little background: I was a psych major in college, so I’ve always been a huge proponent of therapy. I understand the stigma that’s out there regarding getting help, but I don’t buy into it. That being said, I’ve been telling myself for years now that I need to start seeing someone, but it never happened.
Some of it was laziness. Some of it was my (very irrational) dislike of making phone calls (and especially appointments). But my biggest fear? That I was going to sit down with someone and they would be all, “What? You’ve got nothing to complain about. All of your problems are in your head and don’t even deserve the energy spent discussing them. And you’re a big ol’ stupidhead for even being here.”
OF COURSE this wouldn’t happen (good therapists never use the word “stupidhead”). I know this. I understand that even though my problems might not be traumatic or out of some Greek tragedy, that they are obstacles that I need to overcome to have a happy, productive life. But I also stubbornly held to the belief that they weren’t bad problems and so I should be able to solve them myself. After all, this wasn’t rocket science.
And perhaps given unlimited time and energy, I could fix myself right up. But the acknowledgement that I need help is huge for me. I guess I just realize that there’s no reason not to start NOW. And get happier faster. All I know is that if the end result of me going through all this shit improves my life, then it’s worth it.