Funkytown

I’ve been slacking here, I know. But I’ve been in kind of a funk and while it’s not like I have writer’s block, I do seem to be hard-pressed to come up with anything positive/cheerful/non-depressing to put down on paper.

There’s probably half a dozen posts waiting to be published, but it’s nothing that I want out in the open like this.  Sometimes I feel like it’s bad enough that I have dark thoughts like that in my head, and that to put them out there for everyone to read just makes it worse.  Makes me feel like I’m asking people to be all, “Awww… poor Laura… don’t worry, everything will be all right…”.  Which would probably just encourage this behavior.

For a lot of my life, I’ve had a very bad habit/personality flaw that I’ll create or play up injuries to get attention from the people around me.  I want them to care about me, so I create a situation that makes it easy for them to do so.  When I was in high school, I was a cutter, using that as a means to get my best friend to be overly concerned about me.  As an adult recreational athlete, it’s now easy to have injuries — legitimate ones, even.  And I try so hard to be nonchalant about them, knowing my history.  That doesn’t always work, though.  And after I’ve brought the boo-boo to someone’s attention, then I feel like I’ve manipulated the situation, taken advantage of the good nature of whomever I’m talking to.  Tricked them into caring for me.

I’m not really sure where this is going.  I guess I’m living up my blog title; just spewing a little.  Trying to pull myself out of wherever I’m at right now.  And trying not to fall back on old, unhealthy behaviors.  Oh, and still waiting on the therapist to have an opening, in case anyone is following me here and wondering.

That’s all I’ve got for now.  I’ll be funnier later, promise.

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2 responses to “Funkytown

  1. Remoteingenuity

    I know what you mean about that personality trait. I am the exact same way and a lot of the time when it happens I hardly realize it. Then, when I do realize my manipulation, I find that it’s too late and thus feel guilty. You’re not alone in what you feel, dark or light. Remember that. 🙂

  2. Yes – the guilt. I know it well. I often think that my Catholic-guilt upbringing really isn’t serving me well in adulthood.

    And thanks – sometimes the reminder that there are others out there really helps.

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