Tug o’ war

It’s already late for me — 8:30pm on a Sunday night already means that I’m shorting myself 30 minutes of my aspired-to 8 hours of sleep a night.

But, I’ve been avoiding this place here.  Writing.  Putting the thoughts down.

And you know what?  Ignoring doesn’t mean that they go away.  Mostly they just spin out of control in my head, not doing anyone any good.

I’ve been struggling lately with one friend in particular:  what I want and expect from her, what I’m actually getting, whether or not she’s a positive or negative force for me right now.  It’s so hard sometimes.  To want nothing more than to be that one for a friend but knowing that they don’t necessarily want you in return.

It’s the being confronted with evidence that any sane person would analyze and say, “She just doesn’t really like you that much.”  And despite this, I keep persisting.  I seem to find a million different excuses, reasons to keep hope alive.  To think that maybe if I just give her a little more time, have a little more patience, that maybe she’ll see how I might be good for her.

It sometimes feels like a game of tug of war.  I pull, she pulls back, sometimes one of us inches closer, being drawn in to the other.  At other times it feels like she lets go of the rope completely, leaving me to wonder if I should come back tomorrow for another game.  Or if she’s had enough and is done, taking her rope and going home.

And every time I come to a conclusion — “I will not care so much anymore!” — she’ll go and do something that once again rekindles hope.  Just maybe…

It’s in this limbo that I’m living right now.  Stuff and issues and crap mostly out in the open.  And a resounding silence as an answer to my questions.  Which means…?

I can’t figure it out.  I’m tired of trying.  I’m not a drama kind of person, but she’s got me starring in a one-woman act.  I just need a deus ex machina to fall from the sky and make everything all perfect.  I’ll wait for it.

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