I’m feeling guilty.
I’ve got a really great friend who’s going through a very tough time. I’m probably her closest friend and while we don’t talk often, when we do talk I hear all the details. And, I do mean ALL THE DETAILS (there are images now in my head that I’m wondering if swallowing some bleach will remove).
And I don’t mind listening and providing some feedback. She’s got to make her own decisions, but needs a sounding board to see if what she’s thinking is even making sense anymore. I’ve been there — the feeling that my thoughts have been swirling in my head for so long that you wonder if they even are in the same universe as Logical and Useful anymore.
But, it’s hard to listen to sometimes. I worry about her. I’m pissed at the one person who’s the cause of her problems. And frustrated because I can’t do a damn thing about it. I know it’s not my business; their marriage will sink or swim no matter what I think about it (though sometimes I think a baseball bat to his head – just a love tap to knock sense into him! – might help things). I hate my impotency and inability to make her situation any better.
Her stories stay with me, buzzing around my head like little negatively-charged mosquitoes that need to be squashed. And so I spent time last night emptying my feelings to another friend of mine, one whom I trust completely and has no relationship whatsoever with my friend or her husband.
And I felt like SUCH a gossip. Like I was betraying my friend by telling her secrets. If they ever do happen to meet, I know that the friend that I dumped on last night will have a pre-formed opinion of my other friend.
There’s no taking it back now, and frankly, I feel better for having talked about it and gotten some feedback of my own on what I said and did and offered as advice and solace. But I’m still left with the lingering icky feeling about my behavior.
Does this make me a bad friend? Internet, what say ye?