… of the funk I’ve been in, that is.
Maybe. At least there’s light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. And I don’t think it’s the headlight from an oncoming train.
It’s been hard for me, these past few months. I don’t know that there’s a particular reason why, even. I know that part of it’s been the up and down, never-quite-knowing-where-I-stand feeling of one or two relationships in my life. I’ve mentioned it before — while I know it’s not realistic, I like things black or white. And the gray area of these relationships is driving me nuts, causing my brain to spin in ways that feels like I’m burning up gears.
And that makes it hard for me to fall asleep. And that’s culprit #2. When I don’t get enough sleep (and I rarely get enough, but this is worse than usual) I find it so difficult to deal even with the day-to-day issues. The easy stuff. I get upset so easily at situations that mean nothing, and have over-the-top reactions where they aren’t called for.
So, I feel like I’ve been walking around in this fog, just hoping to get through the week without tipping over into something worse than just moping and sulking around. The difference between my public “aren’t I happy and well-adjusted?” persona and my “finally, home, I can stop being nice” is so much more noticeable to me that I can’t ignore it. But I also can’t seem to help it, either.
One of the trademarks symptoms when I get like this is that I lose interest in moving and sweating and pushing my physical limits. It just seems like so much work, ya know? And I’m just too tired to deal with it. Of course, I still hear the (mostly suppressed) tiny voice telling me that I’d feel so much better if I just got out. Ran. Biked. Lifted some weights. Lately, though, it’s been all about excuses. Which? Makes me feel like crap, mentally and physically.
I’ve talked about doing bike rides and other such things here, but those have been mostly one-time deals. Nothing like what my training usually looks like. When I’m in my normal frame of mind, I’m working out 5-6 days a week. And enjoying it. And looking forward to it, knowing that it clears my head, makes me feel good about myself and gives me something to work towards.
But today… today! I was driving to go see my nephew play baseball. The morning was overcast, but it was cool and misty. And all of a sudden, a weird thought: “man, what a beautiful morning to go running!” And I kind of cocked my head, acknowledged the thought, and realized that it had been a very long time since going for a run was something I actually wanted to do.
There have been other changes; yesterday I forced myself to go to a yoga class for the very first time (I’m VERY not bendy and thought that a little more flexibility would help with some of the chronic running injuries I deal with). I chopped most of my hair off. I shopped for food for the week and didn’t get ANY crap. And the whole therapy thing, of course. All steps in the right direction.
I think I’m ready to pull myself out of this. I’m excited about changing, moving forward. I want to meet new people, maybe join some new things. I’m not looking for someone to date or a new BFF, just new blood to revitalize my life a little. I want to care about what I put into my body and how I look and how I feel. I think I deserve as much, really.
And you know what I did when I got home from the baseball game? I went for a run.