About a year ago, I closed down my blog, Space To Spew. I had started it on the premise that my venting was at least somewhat anonymous (because you can be anonymous on the internet, right??), and at some point there was a non-verified, but probably true friend sighting (I saw one of my good friend’s company IP in my list of visitors). My reaction? Panic. My second reaction? Close the site down to rein in the damage.
That’s the thing with writing without too much of a filter — there’s a certain vulnerability involved. I sleuthed out that a friend had found the site (and if I’m right, it was because of a stupid mistake on my part) and I immediately thought about all the things that I wouldn’t want her to read. From stupid things (like me having been tipped off to my 40th surprise birthday party, which she had thrown for me) to things more intimate (like how I was seeing a therapist and had been struggling with simple day-to-day life). I knew that reading those things would make her question our friendship, wonder why it was that I didn’t think I could trust revealing these things to her.
And the fact is that it wasn’t a matter of trust. I knew she’d understand. I knew she’d react in a positive, supportive way. Mostly, it was all about me and my overwhelming desire to make everyone think that I was doing just fine. I didn’t want people to know that I was perpetually down or feeling so emotionally on the edge that I wondered sometimes how I made it through the day. I didn’t want to be seen as vulnerable.
So, I shut it down. Pulled the plug. And with it, stopped writing in any kind of meaningful way; I was too scared to put myself out there again.
Now it’s over a year later, and I’m at a place again where I want to put myself out there, though the impetus is a little different. Before, this was a place to vent, to worry, to bemoan my life. Now, I’m in a little bit better place, though the details of my life haven’t changed substantially since then. Still, this feels like I’m starting off fresh: while I brought the old posts with me, I created a new blog to park them at, and the new blog title — Getting Out In The World — denotes the attitude change that’s happened along the way.
I still have a lot of the same insecurities going on, and it’s true that I still don’t have a girlfriend (or have had any type of meaningful romantic relationship), but I’m feeling optimistic. I’m such a homebody — and plus, staying up late has never been my forte — but I’ve got a renewed commitment to going out more, being more social, trying to enjoy the hell out of life. It’s the only one I’ve got, ya know.
That’s the plan. What do you think?