That damn line

Where’s the line between friendship and love and back again?

I’ll just toss this out there:  I was mostly in love with my roommate, K.  I had been from before I even met her, if I were being completely honest with myself.  I saw her working with other clients in the gym, and I specifically went to the guy who had signed me up and got him to pull strings to get me on her schedule.

At that point in my life, I wasn’t out yet.  Hell, I had barely admitted to myself that I liked chicks more than dudes.  And though my gaydar was (and still is!) woefully undeveloped, I knew that she was probably gay.  Just call it a feeling, though I hesitated to label her that way until she told me for sure.

Within a few sessions of working with each other, we were getting along great — she opened up to me, and I started to do the same in return, though I’m generally reluctant to share much about myself with anyone, let alone someone I had just met.  There was something about her; she made feel immediately comfortable and safe with her.  It wasn’t but a month or so before she was dropping hints about being gay.  And within two months she came out to me.  I outted myself right back at her, and we went from there.  We were “family”, as she called it.

Now along with this crush, I also have a firm grip on reality:  she’s in no way interested in me like that.  I’ve never outrightly asked the question, but she’s made it clear in a number of unambiguous ways.  And that’s fine.  Sure, I’d love it if she were into me, but even if you throw out the 11 year age difference, we’re still really different in ways that lean towards a great ying-and-yang friendship that wouldn’t necessarily work in the romantic arena.

Part of my problem is that I’ve never been close friends with another lesbian.  I mean, with my straight friends, I can do all sorts of “taking care of” and such and it’s always taken in the context of friendship.  With another lesbian?  Not so sure.  It’s the whole “can men and women be just friends?” argument with a twist, right?

So, when you take my mostly-over-with crush (though I do have weird flares of jealousy, I’m ashamed to admit!), tack on K’s intention of just being friends and roommates and mash it up and deal with it in real life, I’m sometimes at a loss for how to act. Most of the time, everything’s good.  We get along great and (even more importantly) co-exist incredibly well as roommates.  At this point, even if something romantic were to be on the horizon, I’d hesitate to mess with what’s already a good situation.  But I still find myself feeling like our friendship is lopsided because of this idiotic unrequited love.

It makes no logical sense.  I know this.  It’s not like I necessarily WANT requited love, ya know?  But who doesn’t want the person they dig to dig them back the same way?  And in the meantime, I still have these moments of pure emotion where I just wish that she could see how well I could take care of her and make her happy.  Again – no logic to be found here!

I’m content to live and let live.  These fleeting moods are less frequent and pass with less drama than they used to.  But even still, I find myself sometimes wondering about that line between friendship and more than friendship … whether I cross it, where it actually is with two gay girls and how to deal with that whole gray area in between.

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