Is there an Idiot’s Guide to Being a Lesbian?

Yup, I’m a newbie gay.  It’s not like I just woke up one morning and decided to be a lesbian — on some level or another, I always thought chicks were hot.  But, on the other hand, it did take me a long time to come to terms with and accept the reality of being out in a pretty heterosexual world.  My upbringing didn’t leave a whole lot of room for this lifestyle and I fought against it, thinking that if I just found the “right” guy, things would work out and life would be all butterflies and rainbows.

As it turns out, my life did turn out to be all rainbows at least. Heh.

It’s been about 2 years now, and I’m still struggling with how to jump-start my immersion into gay culture.  I’ve got an incredibly straight life:  straight friends with families, live in the suburbs, and appreciate sleep more than late night trips to the bars.  You know how that goes.  I do have a lesbian roommate, but that’s about as far as that’s gone (and she’s just a friend … and with absolutely NO benefits…).  She keeps telling me that she’s going to “take me out on the town and show me around”, but that hasn’t really materialized yet.

So, how do I make this happen?

I’ve been doing the online thing on and off for a bit and have mostly found it frustrating. Either the initial conversations never move from the virtual into the real, or you meet the person and wonder what drug they were on when they concocted the piece of fiction that they’re passing off as their profile.  I do think that love can be found on the internet, but perhaps only for the very persistent or the very lucky (or the 22 year old blond with huge boobs and a penchant for casual sex).

After that, where to go?  I live out in the suburbs.  And not even the “good” burbs… the immediate area I live in sports approximately a dozen gays.  And I think I might be rounding up.  All the action is in the city — a place that I like in theory, but not nearly as much in reality.  First off, someone has to drive to get there.  Which translates pretty quickly into: someone has to either not drink or drink VERY responsibly.  And believe me, that person would NOT be me.  Let me share a little secret with you:  I’m not particularly good with the bar/dance club scene.  I need some alcohol to properly lubricate myself to fit in with that type of crowd, otherwise the resulting situation is a case study in social awkwardness that’s funny to everyone but me.

LBGT support groups?  Again – they exist mostly in the city.  That place again!

Any other suggestions?  My ability to spot lesbians in the wild is pretty awful.  Unless she’s totally butch, I’m probably not going to be right about it.  And frankly, I have a problem with people making assumptions about me — about my sexuality or otherwise — and so I hate to do that to other people.  But how else do you find out?  Start out conversations with: “Hi, my name is Laura and I’m gay.  Do you like girls and would you like to make out with me?”

I know that I need to find a network of like-minded lesbian friends.  A running group or biking group perhaps.  Something that doesn’t necessarily involve alcohol or dancing.  But – again – where?  Perhaps if there were an Idiot’s Guide, it would start out with:  “Move to San Francisco or Provincetown”.  Yea, that’s the ticket.

So, what am I missing?  Is there anyone out there that wants to take this lesbian under her wing?

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3 responses to “Is there an Idiot’s Guide to Being a Lesbian?

  1. Well, I’d totally take you under my wing. But it’s unlikely we live that close to each other and I’m not a lesbian, so probably wouldn’t work out. I mean, any advice would be to just keep trying with the online thing – or try and start your own group. I mean, maybe there are others in your area also wishing there was something out there! Or maybe you should seriously consider moving. It’s true there isn’t as much of a chance as meeting people out there, given the smaller sampling size and everyone else moving to the city! But if that’s not feasible, good luck sticking it out. I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you!

  2. @Megan – Thanks for the kind words! Somehow I have to do some slick marketing work to make my ‘burb the “in” place for gays to hang out. Should be easy, right? 🙂

    I’ve been thinking that for all the years that I’ve been accompanying my straight friends to bars and such, that they need to return the favor and hit the gay bars in the city with me! Funny enough, if they can find the time, I bet they would actually be up for it (as long as it’s a night away from the kids, they’re not picky…)

  3. I have a wing and have been meaning to put something or someone under it! How perfect. You can learn from all of my many, many mistakes.

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