Ever have one of those moments when everything is rolling along nicely, feeling happy, life is good and then a stray comment by someone totally takes you down?
That happened to me last night.
I was having a conversation with my roommate, K., about chicks and relationships and how it seems like everyone out there is crazy. And then she’s bemoaning her awful fate:
K: “…and I haven’t had sex in over a month!”
Me: (incredulous look… I measure in years)
Me: “Seriously? YOU are complaining to ME about THAT?”
K: “But you don’t need sex.”
She didn’t mean anything bad or evil or really ANYTHING by it, just an offhand, throwaway comment, I suppose. But to me it felt like an absolute sucker punch. I went from joking and happy to barely able to contain tears. I covered well, and K. didn’t really notice (she was caught up in her own girl problem drama). She kind of looked at me funny and was all, “I mean, it’s not like in any of your relationships that you’ve had a lot of sex…” … to which I responded that most of my relationships had been with guys and 99% of the time, it just didn’t feel right so it was something I avoided. And then I quickly ended the conversation.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want or need sex; I do. Badly (how pathetic does that sound?). But why talk about something that’s not going to happen anytime soon? That’s just depressing.
I guess it was a shock to hear what her view was of me. I mean, I’ve known forever that I’m not her type and she likely finds me as attractive as a box of rocks (doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me, just no desire to nail me) … but to hear her say that she thinks of me as practically asexual — well, that was a blow. If the people closest to me perceive me this way, what must people who know me only casually think? Am I a big, glaring, “no sex here!” billboard?
Most of last night into this morning was spent thinking about and over-analyzing my (lack of a) sex life. It’s true — there’s been glaringly little of it through the years. It’s also true that going years without sex makes the immediate need less, well, immediate, I suppose. I’ve learned to just get along without it (well, at least with it involving another person, that is). I’m not a one-night stand kind of girl (not that I’ve ever been propositioned), nor someone who will hook up with a friend just to have sex — that seems like it’d be fraught with danger (which has only happened once, anyway). So, I have some very long, very drawn-out dry periods. One of which I’m currently in.
But maybe something needs to change. I know that all things sexual make me blush — I come from a family where sex and love and anything vaguely related was never talked about, teased about, mentioned at all. I know my family loves me, but we’re so anti-feelings, anti-touching, anti-communication that it’s always been a challenge for me to be open about anything, much less sex. But I think that maybe I just need to start being more bold, more outspoken. Shock my friends with my willingness to chat about things between the sheets, perhaps.
Sure, I’d like someone in my life not only to rock my world, but do all the things that lead up to that. This isn’t news to anyone. But something to consider — that perhaps my dates don’t go so well because of some vibe that I’m giving off? Something that makes it seem like I’m closed off and not looking for a relationship (though, clearly, if I’m on a date — that originated from a dating website — I am)? I don’t believe that you’ve got to be sexually over-aggressive to get what you want, but maybe I need to figure out a way to make sure that my big, gay, neon sign flashes, “Open for business!” instead of “Closed for the season…”.