What a trip!

I’m back. Actually, I’ve been back from my Colorado Adventure for a long time now, but have been taking my own sweet time in collecting my thoughts to present out to the public. It was fun.  And challenging.  And dug far more deeply into feelings and emotions and crap like that than I ever anticipated.  Basically, I spent the week dripping water:  either sweat or tears.

It wasn’t like I didn’t know ahead of time, but I was still surprised at the frequency of Kumbaya  moments throughout the week — occasions to not only delve inward and examine my most basic thoughts, attitudes and motivations, but to then also share them with this group of strangers.  Now, the inward part? I’m not so bad at that.  In fact, I have to actively shut that off at times because my tendency to over-think is legendary.  But the outward sharing of these emotions and revelations?  Um, yea.  That’s not so much in my wheelhouse.

It sounds stupid when I put it in writing, but you want to know what my biggest inhibitor to sharing publicly is?  I’m a cryer.  And not just that, but I was not blessed with the ability to cry and talk all at the same time — it’s one or the other for me.  And since anything vaguely emotional makes me cry (not just my own stuff, but other people’s stuff, too), I spent the week in a state of tears which made it incredibly uncomfortable to speak out loud.

And I wondered *why* exactly I was crying so much.  Part of it were the stories of the other women:  some tragic, some heartfelt, all of them emotional.  When confronted with outward pouring like that, I can’t help but cry along with.  It’s just my nature.

But some of the crying was just me.  Sad about where my life is at.  Upset at myself for thinking like that.  Lonely because I haven’t found someone yet. Basically, an overall “why me?” whining fest. It felt selfish, in a way.  But I suppose the whole trip was supposed to be about me working on me.  And the crying is part of that.

Still, I got a lot out of the week.  Of course, the hiking and mountain biking were everything I imagined they would be.  I do wish that I had made good on my commitment to be in better shape for it, though — it would have been more rewarding had I been able to catch my breath at one point or another.  And on an emotional level, I connected with a few individuals and had some great conversations that spurred some different ways of thinking.

I left the mountains really considering how to change my life.  And I’m not sure that I’ve completely figured it out yet, but at least there are a few more ideas pinballing around in my brain.  Hopefully all those tears won’t go to waste.

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2 responses to “What a trip!

  1. not courtney love

    so glad to see you back! i found your blog via a comment you made on xojane and have enjoyed reading not just bc we’re similar (42, never married, no kids) but because i like your taste and writing. i tend to ramble when leaving comments so opt not to but wanted to say i wish you the best and hope you post more, and as there’s no way to direct mail you i have left this what i hope is not rambling comment. aaand, i guess i just want to add that you don’t sound – your crying doesn’t sound selfish at all, it feels more like a part of a slow motion act of courage, one that’s taking place over many months and maybe even longer (?!?) anyway, lots of respect…s.

    • Thanks so much for the comment! And I really like how you put it: “… a slow motion act of courage…”

      And thanks for the encouragement to write more… writing does me good, but sometimes when I’m struggling in the real world, putting it on paper becomes infinitely more difficult for me. But having someone out there reading? Somehow makes it all a bit easier. So, thanks. 🙂

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